Shame Storm (Episode 69)
This week on the podcast, Shaunna and Lisa discuss the “shame storm” and the differences between shame and guilt. A question they try to answer is whether shame is actually the root of white people’s inaction around racism instead of guilt. They draw on Brené Brown’s work on shame (although, admittedly neither have read her books!) and try to tease apart the differences. They contemplate the notion that guilt may actually be a useful feeling for white people. This is a different perspective to how they usually understand white guilt as a tool of defensiveness. However, the difference isn’t necessarily that straightforward and neither Shaunna or Lisa have definitive answers. They also discuss that if guilt is actually a tool of action, then we should use guilt to see the struggles of all identity groups. Just because a person may belong to an oppressed group, doesn’t absolve them of advocating for others’ rights as well. Questions on survival strategies and racial exhaustion are also in the mix, as the [un]phased co-hosts try to understand the influence of guilt and shame on our capacity to build lasting change.
Mentions in the pod:
- Brene Brown Ted Talk on shame
- Brene Brown website
- From the Hell Yeah/Hell Naw segment: 51% increases in ER visits in 2021 for adolescent girls and suicide attempts (NYT)
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Transcript
So Lisa, for the very first time, I heard
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:the phrase shame storm. And I didn't know what it meant. I was
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:working with a coaching client, and this person brought up shame
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:storm. And I was like, oh, okay, this is outside of my common
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:vocabulary, maybe I need to look something up. And this person
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:mentioned, identifying as a white person, but spinning in
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:this shame storm that was really hard to spin out of in order to
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:be a useful ally. And so I thought to myself, let me put
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:this on my radar as far as a word that we may want to add to
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:our operational global glossary, if you will, because it sounds
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:like something that could be useful in our work. Have you
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:ever heard of shame storming?
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:I haven't. And I absolutely do not want to
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:be in the middle of it. Because it sounds horrible.
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:Right? Right. Right. It I know it just
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:it feels like a spin like a spin cycle that you can't get
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:yourself out of.
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:Oh, my gosh, yeah.
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:Yeah, yeah. And so the first place
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:that I found this language was under Brene Brown's work. So I
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:think we should talk about it.
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:Sounds good. Let's do it.
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:I'm Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold and I go by
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:she/her/her pronouns.
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:And I'm Dr. Lisa Ingarfield. And I go by
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:she/her/hers.
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:Welcome to [un]phazed a podcast to
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:disrupt your normal and challenge your brain to go the
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:distance.
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:So we know that Burnett Brene, Brown is pretty prolific, let's
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:just say that anyone that's been connected with Oprah Winfrey and
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:been kind of catapulted in their work along Oprah, obviously, is
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:a name that most people will recognize. And what's
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:interesting is that based on my little bit of research, not
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:having read her work, but mostly have been watching her TED
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:talks, and so forth, what I realized is that she categorizes
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:herself as a shame scholar, meaning that she does research
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:on shame, her scholarship is focused on it, how it develops,
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:etc. And so Brene talks about shame and guilt being two
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:different things. And I'm like, what, my brain is still trying
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:to process what she means by this. And so, you know, you and
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:I least a, we've heard, obviously, of white guilt, you
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:know, we have heard of that pretty often. And, you know,
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:this belief that white people have this collective
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:responsibility for harm and racist treatment of people, etc.
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:So heard of that before. But this shame storming and the
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:guilt as well. She's kind of parsing these out and to do
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:different things. So apparently, guilt is something that's
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:helpful, but shame may not be. And so I'm just trying to kind
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:of parse these out. I'm trying to get these definitions
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:together here. So yeah, I'm not a Brene Brown scholar. But
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:clearly she's she's on to something because people are
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:reading her work and trying to figure themselves out through
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:that lens of this shame storm.
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:Yeah, that's interesting, because I'm
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:also not a Brene Brown scholar, I have read very little of her
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:work, which perhaps is quite shocking, but I just haven't
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:ever gotten around to it. I wonder, you know, because you
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:and I have talked about guilt, white guilt, male guilt,
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:heterosexual guilt, however, it manifests in the context of
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:privilege, and how it's just not useful getting stuck in it,
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:right? Because that really limits your capacity to be an
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:ally in those moments where maybe you are. What's the word
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:I'm looking for paralyzed or not paralyzed? That is an ableist
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:word where you are frozen and unable to do anything, but
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:perhaps sin. According to Brene, brown, we might be slightly off
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:there. And actually, it's a shame that is creating the
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:frozen moment and not guilt if she's arguing that guilt is
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:productive, because then I would even say, so is the concept of
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:quote unquote, white guilt wrong, is it actually quote
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:unquote, white shame, is how we should be thinking about it.
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:Right. Right, right. Because when the
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:way I'm understanding it is, shame is defined as something
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:that's intensely painful and intensely painful experience of
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:feeling flawed, or unworthy of love and connection. Now I can
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:see being frozen by shame and guilt. Now, this is when it gets
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:interesting because guilt is supposed to be this helpful
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:tool, especially if it's leveraged well. And so, you
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:know, I'm just trying to work through in my brain. There may
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:be some groups or some identities, broadly, speaking
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:broadly, some groups that have so much shame that it indeed
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:freezes them from doing the work of allyship. And then in my, in
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:my opinion, there may be some folks that don't have enough of
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:it and absolve them from doing the work because they may be
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:self absorbed in some ways. And so I'm just wrestling with it
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:with that concept of, you know, at, at what point do we use
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:either as a reason, an excuse, a perfectly logical explanation
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:right not to wrestle with other identity issues. Right? So
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:that's where I'm kind of caught up with this. Because, you know,
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:we're, yes, absolutely. We are calling white male and any other
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:privileged individual and whatever identity group to think
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:through what does it mean to kind of hijack one identity and
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:then we get into the oppression Olympics again? How do we stay
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:out of oppression Olympics.
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:I did not have a good answer for that.
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:Right, right. It's just this is okay. So now I'm like going in
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:my head, it's really, this is just a really interesting way of
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:rethinking about this, because we, when we think about guilt,
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:we've talked about it before that it often manifests in
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:defense, right? So I feel guilty that I'm white, and so my having
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:kind of knee jerk reaction to that is a defensive response
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:around well, I didn't own slaves, right? That's no fault.
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:That's a generic kind of example. Right.
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:Right.
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:So but is, is that so then is what's the
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:response? Is the defensive response actually a product of
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:guilt? Or is it a product of shame? Because I'm feeling like
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:shame is deeper? Right? Like it's, I shame in the context
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:that I no shame it's often is related to some very different
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:things, but it's destructive. It's very destructive. And it
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:silences people.
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:Yeah, yeah. That's right.
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:So then I don't know. So maybe defense
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:because it's an odd verbal articulation often is guilt. And
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:then shame is a much deeper, more unnerving feeling that
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:doesn't, that people with privilege don't even articulate.
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:But that's but that's maybe what's driving guilt. I don't
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:know. I feel like I'm going around in circles here.
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:No, no, no, no, I think you're getting
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:somewhere because, you know, I always bring up that wonderful
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:chapter on race on the book, Untamed by Glennon Doyle, where
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:she talks about this addiction, if you will, to racism by this
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:country, and how we literally have to detox ourselves from our
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:addiction to racist systems. And the notion of how most white
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:people, the worst thing you can call them is a racist. So
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:everything in their being functions against being labeled
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:that, whether you firmly believe that you are not part of a
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:racist system, or whether you feel guilt about what you have
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:that you did not necessarily earn, and it rolled down to you
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:historically, I think there is some defense mechanism, at
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:least, to the notion of racism, because we find it really hard
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:for people to make the distinction between racist and
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:racism. Usually, I'm talking about systems now I have no
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:problem naming that someone is a racist. However, most of the
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:time, nine times out of 10, if I'm talking about race, I'm
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:talking about a system within which we all function. Now we
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:can get down to the racist, but I'm starting with the system
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:that enables many people to be racist, even in the passive
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:sense of the word. And so given that, I think there's something
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:to what you're saying around how people choose to defend
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:themselves. I don't think any white person would willingly
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:take it if someone said to their face, I believe that you are
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:either racist, or you have racist tendencies. And they
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:would not respond in some type of way. They wouldn't just take
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:it and say, maybe you're right. I don't know. Let me think about
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:it. I think it ends up being more of ah, yeah, might have
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:made a mistake, but let me give you the 90% of me that's not
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:racist. You know, there's always some type of explanation or
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:defense against it. So I think, you know, those types of
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:feelings of guilt and shame, still try to bat away even the
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:notion of racism or racist individual. I just feel like
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:it's almost like a boxer that, you know, never lets their guard
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:down. It's like, I'm a white person, I'm keeping my guard up.
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:Because at many points in my life, someone is going to accuse
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:me of being a racist, or being part of a racist system. What do
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:I have to do to defend that and show all the things I've done
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:and how kind I am to people in all these Other performative
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:things, which may be that deeper level of shame that you're
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:mentioning? Maybe.
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:Yeah, I mean, because shame. You know, I
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:think as Brene kind of captures it is very painful, right. And
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:it's this feeling of unworthiness. So yeah, I'm
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:thinking to myself, like if someone said that I was racist,
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:to my face, it would definitely contradict the sense of self
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:that I have, or the construction of my identity, right. And so I
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:think the feeling there might be like, if I had said something,
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:and the response was, you're racist, because you've said that
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:something, I think there would be like a veneer of guilt about
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:saying the thing and then wishing I had never said the
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:thing, right. But underneath that, I think, for me, it's
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:would be a deeply painful experience. And so I would be
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:ashamed. And I think that shame would come from this internal
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:versus external perception of me. Right, like, trying, and the
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:lack of alignment, at least from that person's perspective.
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:Mm hmm. Yeah. Yeah. Who you thought you
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:were versus how you're perceived.
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:Right. And I think that that is that feels
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:more about shame than about guilt, don't you think?
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:Mm hmm. Yeah, I agree. Because I could
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:see someone being deeply hurt by that deeply hurt. Yeah, even in
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:the face of all of their work and intentions. And yeah, I
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:could see that for sure.
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:So then, to your point earlier about some
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:people maybe need to feel more guilt, because if guilt is
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:productive, and can kind of drive us to make changes, then
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:so you know, I'm a woman, so I'm oppressed based on my womanhood.
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:If I say I'm dealing with it's, it's, you know, it's already
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:hard work being a woman in this world. I don't have time to feel
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:guilty. Because of x, y z's experience. Right. Like I'm
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:trying to focus on the womanhood.
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:Right, right. Yeah, I think that's a
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:covert way of playing oppression Olympics, frankly, as true is
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:that may feel I think it might be a covert way of playing
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:oppression Olympics, and kind of watering down and diminishing,
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:how we all can play a part in everyone's liberation. You know,
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:like, I don't feel that it's okay. And hopefully people know,
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:my body of work and what I've done and what I haven't done,
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:yes, as a black and female human being, I know that I'm oppressed
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:in certain areas. But that does not absolve me from being
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:concerned about my Asian siblings, or being concerned
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:about my LGBT folk. And that doesn't absolve me for doing
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:that. So I'm saying that my identities and the identities
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:that I belong to, however oppressed they are, that is my
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:reason, perfectly logical one, my perfectly logical reason for
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:them not being concerned with other identity groups, ignoring
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:slights against those particular groups, like I've seen this
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:literally happen in action where someone will be up in arms, if
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:they or a family member, or a friend is called the "N" word,
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:but then you're okay with either turning away, or simply ignoring
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:when someone else is called some type of derogatory term. I'm not
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:okay with that. And I know that it's a lot because it is truly a
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:distinct burden to carry your own oppressed identity groups.
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:But to me, I feel like that should sharpen our spidey senses
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:as well. If you've been through it, or your identity groups have
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:experienced it, then you should pick up on it when it's
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:happening to other groups as well.
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:Right. But is to then okay, so then you
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:call that person out? Right? Based on everything you just
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:said, like, why are you known? Why are you not frustrated,
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:angry about this slur that was used when you are about this
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:other slur, and they respond with? I don't have time to be
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:thinking about all these other groups because I'm living this
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:really oppressed life. Does that come from guilt? Or does that
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:come from shame?
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:See, that's what I don't know. I part
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:of me feels like, it's, it's neither and should be more. I
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:feel like it's neither and should be more because I feel
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:like, you know, it's, if I say, I'm too busy being black and
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:female to worry about my Asian siblings, then to me, it feels
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:like I don't have enough guilt, meaning that if we're looking at
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:guilt, I'm not being adaptive. This is not helpful. I have
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:absolutely no psychological discomfort with what other
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:people are feeling. right alongside me. And much of it is
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:similar to my own experience. So you know, for example, let's
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:talk about Loving versus Virginia and same sex marriage.
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:That's one of the key areas where I see my short hair here,
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:it should be shorter as much as I pull it out. Because I'm
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:thinking to myself, as African Americans in this country that
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:have wanted the freedom, first of all, to marry each other, as
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:African Americans, we didn't even have that legally, because
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:we were property, we weren't people. So jumping, the broom is
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:quite, quite literal, in black households, and relationships.
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:In fact, I still have my my broom, in my, in my storage. So
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:as black people, we weren't allowed to marry each other,
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:then moving forward with Loving versus Virginia, in certain
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:states, black people were not allowed to marry white people,
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:or white people were not allowed to marry black people. In fact,
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:white people were disciplined, if you will, for marrying anyone
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:with one drop of black blood. You have that? And then it
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:doesn't make sense to you that individuals who are same sex
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:could not marry up to some point. This is the same, we pass
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:him by the same rock three times. It's the same rock with
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:different identity groups. And so to me, that's why I'm calling
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:all of us but I'm definitely speaking as a black woman, I'm
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:calling more folks who are of oppressed identity groups to
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:absolutely continue fighting the good fight for our communities,
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:but also see the very clear parallels in other communities
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:and not absolve ourselves and say, Oh, well, I ain't got time
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:to fight their fight. I'm fighting my own fight. Actually,
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:we're all fighting our fight. We're fighting our fight.
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:Because, yeah, you can do it to one group, then you can do it to
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:multiple groups, and you just have Groundhog's Day.
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:Yeah, I'm one I'm just I'm wondering,
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:though, like, do you, you meaning the royal you, you know,
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:put barriers, up psychological barriers up, because you have
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:experienced so much intersectional oppression? That
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:to then be called out that you're not sufficiently
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:advocating or supporting other communities who are experiencing
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:oppression? Kind of calls into question your sense of self,
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:again, around being an advocate for social justice, justice
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:advocate, but it's also around survival. You know, like.
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:Hmm. Mhmm, yeah, yeah.
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:So tired. And so that's not shame or
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:guilt. But I just I wonder, like, if that perspective, isn't
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:so much self absorption is it as much as it is a survival
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:strategy in a world that is not made for you?
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:Oh, the the first word I thought about
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:as you were describing, that was, I don't know if this is a
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:term in our DEI world, but just straight up racial fatigue,
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:racial exhaustion. Like I think it's beyond fatigue. Now, I
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:think it is exhaustion in many ways where you are tired. And
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:you know, Lisa, I don't know if this happened for you. But at a
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:certain time period over the last couple of years, even a
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:little bit prior to the pandemic, I was so exhausted by
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:certain things that I did turn the news off, and I didn't, you
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:know, I wasn't staying up with the news, not because I didn't
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:care. But because I was truly exhausted, and not quite sure
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:how much I could personally handle. So I think there's a,
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:you have a great point as well. It's like, how much of it is not
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:necessarily shielding oneself from from, you know, being
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:called whatever is. But it, I don't want to poopoo self care
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:here, but you see what I'm getting at? It's kind of like
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:self preservation NIST, kind of sorta. So I do hear that. I do
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:hear that, you know, how much can you actually handle or not?
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:And if you can't handle it being okay, with at least not condone?
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:I don't know. I have a feeling about silence being condoning
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:certain things.
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:Yeah. Silence being complicit,
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:certainly. And I think about, you know, we've talked about,
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:you know, passing the torch, if you need a break, in dei work,
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:we've talked about the necessity of self care, self care to
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:rejuvenate. And I think what we're getting at here is
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:something a little different. You know, trying to understand
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:kind of the root of avoidance, right? And if it's, if it's
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:shame, per Brene, browns definition, then it would be
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:destructive. And if it's guilt, per her definition, then it can
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:actually be productive. And there is neither of those things
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:and I don't have an answer for that. But you know, like so self
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:care. The self preservation is all very important, certainly,
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:but that's, I think that comes from a slightly different place
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:from that exhaustion from that survival. And how shame or guilt
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:plays into that. I'm not exactly sure but I feel like it yeah,
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:around it. They're right, like, yeah, not it's not a storm, as
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:much as it is kind of, I don't know, some soft, pillowy clouds
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:moving around you or something, right, that you can't quite
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:touch because you can't quite figure out what it is.
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:Right. Exactly. Well, and that's the
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:thing, when you're in the, you know, in the eye of this so
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:called shame storm, you know, I think it can go either direction
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:on the spectrum, maybe you don't have any shame at all about
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:anything, you don't have any guilt about anything at all,
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:you're busy trying to be you. And either you're oppressed
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:self, in this world, or your non oppressed self in this world,
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:there are certain groups that aren't oppressed in many
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:different ways. So you're still on the spectrum of shame,
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:nothing to a lot. And both ends could possibly be highly
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:dysfunctional, depending on how severe they are. And, you know,
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:so my question is, you know, it's kind of two questions in
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:one, how do we help people spin out of a shame storm or fear in
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:them in that privilege? And how do we help oppressed individuals
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:to think in more parallel ways so that they can at least see
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:similar oppression across groups? It's there, but it takes
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:a moment to really think, right, you know, so yeah, I don't want
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:white and or male and or privileged people to get stuck
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:in a shame store? Because that's not useful to our work, Lisa?
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:No, they're stuck there.
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:It's not useful. Well, and it feels like
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:shit too right.
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:Oh gosh, yes.
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:You know, and I just I'm, as you're
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:talking, it's just making me think more around. Like, I feel
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:guilty for saying or doing X like I have, I could potentially
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:repair that it's redeemable in some way. Right? Like, it's,
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:whereas shame feels more like I am ashamed of my ancestors, for
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:example, I can't actually change that. Like, that's just always
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:there, right? So if I get stuck or wedged in this feeling of
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:shame about what my ancestors did before me, and how horrific
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:that was, I can't move forward. It's like an apologizing for it
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:doesn't make any sense either. Because it wasn't me. So who am
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:I apologizing for? Right? So that's where I feel like there
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:might be some differentiation around the guilt or the shame.
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:So you kind of have to like, almost, I don't mean this to
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:sound flippant, but it almost feels like that deep, hurt, or
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:shame that you're feeling about stuff that happened before you
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:you kind of have to let it go. Because it's not useful, right?
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:Mm hmm. I mean, not let it go in the sense that you need to
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:forget it. But let it go in the sense that you have to move
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:forward. And sure, you're going to fuck up here and there, and
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:you'll have the feeling. But it won't be that deep rooted sense
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:of failure or lack of value about who you are. Right?
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:Right. Right.
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:Is that making sense?
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:Oh, yeah, absolutely. I think
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:there's a so maybe there's like, you know, when you see an org
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:chart, and you have like a direct line, so you know, I
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:write to Lisa or Lisa, or something like that. I feel like
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:we could do the very same thing in regards to especially white
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:folks in the United States that may have grandparents, great,
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:great, great, great grandparents, I even just
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:downloaded a book, Lisa, about white women who were slave
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:owners at a particular time. All of that, instead of having a
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:direct, solid, bold line between yourself and those family
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:members back historically, that did some things that you may not
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:be proud of and would not condone today, why not have more
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:of a faint dotted line to those folks, because you can't
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:completely erase that history, that still trickles down. But
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:you can create a bit of space between you and that. So not to
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:deny it not to say you're ignoring it, but to simply say,
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:I'm now redefining who I am and who my family is moving forward.
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:I know differently. And better. My kids know differently and
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:better, my grandkids will know differently and better. So still
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:holding on to the history without it completely. Without
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:having to report to it, if you will. You don't have to be
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:governed by what great great great great grandma grandpa did.
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:You just don't?So maybe that's a better visual for just
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:understanding that because I'm not with white folks ignoring
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:what their ancestors have done. But I'm also not willing to
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:allow them to become dysfunctional or not helpful,
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:unproductive because of it either.
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:Yeah, it's it's. Yeah, it's like letting
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:that emotional connection. fade a little bit, not so much that
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:you are not spurred to action. Right? So maybe it moves. I
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:don't know, I feel like shame and guilt are connected by a
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:dotted line, right? Like, and I feel like it probably will take
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:us reading Brene Brown and or talking about this much longer
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:to kind of determine that relationship. Maybe they're like
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:distant cousins or something. I don't know that it's necessarily
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:like a linear, you move from shame to guilt, guilt being less
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:powerful than shame. I don't know that. It's that simple. But
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:it does kind of feel like when you put those two together,
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:guilt is easier to move through. And shame is more. stigmatizing.
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:Maybe that is a word.
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:Yeah. Yeah. Well, and I'm wondering,
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:too, if if shame is like, it's almost like quicksand where it
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:sucks you in and sucks you under
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:Oh, that's a good question.
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:And you know, that that's what it's
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:remindingme of at the moment. So, yeah, that's the first thing
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:that I started thinking about was oh, it's so debilitating. So
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:debilitating. And, and with that, you know, again, not
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:useful, whereas, so if, let me make sure I'm not completing my
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:words here. So if shame is quicksand, I think I don't think
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:you can swim through through shame. I think you can get
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:through guilt, though. Maybe? Maybe,
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:yeah. But now I'm like, you know, all the
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:counselors who are listening are like, No, we can do we can do
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:work around the kind of emotional and physical feelings
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:of shame and people can move beyond shame. And again, I don't
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:think we're necessarily saying you can't move beyond shame.
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:Right. But maybe it's just deeper. It's harder. And I
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:think, yeah, and then that's where your mentee, your coachee
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:got stuck, right, because the work to perhaps move through the
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:kind of deeply felt emotional burden of shame is much harder.
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely.
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:Especially when, you know, you're you're trying to move
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:through something without being debility debilitated by it. And
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:so, you know, given that, I don't know, I wish I was more of
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:a mental health professional, because I wonder if there's a
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:connection of how to move through that. Because it can,
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:you know, think about how long you may carry shame or guilt and
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:what that can do over a long term period. You know, that
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:that, to me is also interesting, too. I have no idea. But I
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:wonder what happens. It's one thing to have a pang of guilt.
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:It's another thing to carry it for years and years and years.
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:Yeah. And so I think maybe that what you
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:just said there pang of guilt, perhaps is another way to
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:distinguish the two, right? Like, if you're carrying
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:something for a really long time, maybe it's less guilt and
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:more shame.
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:Mm hmm. Yep.
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:You know, maybe we're totally way off base
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:here. Because I mean, guilt can be very painful to maybe it's
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:just more transitory, you know, right. Maybe it is more like
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:swimming through peanut butter than getting caught in quicksand
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:or something.
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:All right. How many analogies can we
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:put in in one podcast y'all?
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:I feel like, I'm going going off the
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:rails here with that, but
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:Well, you know, look, this is what I
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:think, Lisa, I think what we should do is, I think we should
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:let the listeners weigh in on this particular podcast. I think
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:we should tag Brene Brown so she can let us know if this is a
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:complete train wreck or whether we're on to something. I'm sure
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:she will send us free copies of her books that we have not read.
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:I'm sure she'll do that.
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:And then we'll get straightened out here.
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:How about that?
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:That sounds great. I love your plan.
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:That's my plan. Look, I have not above
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:tagging someone with a big name. They come and tell us that's
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:garbage. Okay, so Brene This is my this is my wallowing of,
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:please come help us. Would you like to be on our podcast and
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:tell us the difference between shame and guilt? And how that
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:applies to our little world of endurance sport? Would you
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:please do that?
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:Yeah, I think it's a great idea.
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:We're all the way in it. We're all the
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:way in it. So but yeah, I think there's something to it. And I'm
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:calling us to to think about these shame storms. Are they
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:useful? Are they not? How to get ourselves out of them and even
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:how to identify when they occur? I think there's there's
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:something to it that we should consider moving forward. Yeah.
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:All right. So let's wrap up with our
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:segment. Hell yeah, hell nah, Hell yeah.
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:Hell no. Hell yeah. was on point over the
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:holidays. Okay, because, you know, when you're just sitting
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:on the couch thinking about the workout that you didn't do and
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:you're watching TV, you're watching commercials. And one of
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:my new favorite commercials now is the Clear Blue digital
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:pregnancy test. That's called no matter what the result And I sat
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:there, and I was watching it. And I realized how much I had
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:been somewhat brainwashed into thinking. Even though obviously,
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:that's not the case, I have been brainwashed into thinking, Oh,
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:yay, pregnant. Oh, happy, happy. That had been how I've been
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:brainwashed to expect at least entertainment and TV to show up,
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:right. And so when there's this commercial, that gives vignettes
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:of a number of different women who are about to take their
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:tests, all of them are a different life circumstances.
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:And the, the pregnancy or not really doesn't matter. Because
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:it's not the default, Yay, I'm happy that a baby is coming.
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:It's a no matter what the result the test is, I need the test to
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:be accurate. And I need it to be whatever works for me wherever I
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:am in my life. So you know, that attorney or that partner, the
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:the woman that just became partner in her firm, a not
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:pregnant, maybe ideal for her at the moment. So therefore, she's
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:happy for those reasons. That's one of the perspectives that we
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:have not entertained in a long while now. So I was very
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:impressed. So Clearblue, that thank you, I'm very impressed.
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:Because it and this is no judgment on however you would
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:like the results to show up. I'm just grateful that they showed
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:options for how the result can show up and women have a
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:positive response. Parents have a positive response. I think the
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:next level of representation on the Clearblue pregnancy test
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:commercials is how can we fold non binary folks into this
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:particular aspect of testing. So anyway, good job so far on to
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:the next.
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:Yeah, that's actually freakin awesome.
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:Because I'm now thinking about my socialization. Also, when I
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:think of pregnancy tests, I always think of heterosexual
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:couples, and absolute joy when they get the two bars or
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:whatever it is, right? That's positive. And so acknowledging
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:that that is not always a happy moment, nor are everyone is
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:everyone in a heterosexual settled relationships, right?
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:Actually quite groundbreaking, which it shouldn't be for
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:frickin:Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:That's right. That's right. Exactly,
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:exactly. So I was impressed.
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:Okay, while staying kind of in the medical
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:field for our hell nah. This week, at the end of last year,
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:we stumbled across a New York Times article that talked about
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:% increase in ER visits in:Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:adolescent girls and suicide attempts. And so we find this to
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:be extraordinarily troubling. I mean, it's not a new phenomenon,
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:obviously. But there is a significant increase. And likely
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:that has to do with COVID and isolation, but a whole host of
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:other issues related to what it means to be an adolescent girl
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:in this world and the pressures that they are facing. And
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:certainly we can appreciate that in the context of endurance
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:sport, right? Because no through Dr. Stacy Sims work, and others
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:work that adolescent girls face a dip in their performance right
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:around when they get their period or coming up to that, and
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:then they drop out of sports. So they're not getting that
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:activity either. And so that can have detrimental effects.
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:Mm hmm. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, that's a
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:sobering hell nah for us, because we talk about girls ever
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:so often on this podcast, but obviously, we're concerned about
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:this particular population. And, you know, it really makes me sad
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:to think about this. Lisa, I was talking with a colleague about
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:this in another setting where we were talking about students,
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:college students suicide attempts, and how even on some
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:college campuses, there's an accepted average rate of suicide
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:attempts when, when it comes to certain very high pressure
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:fields, also by identity group. So for example, there's one very
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:large public institution that I used to work at long ago, that
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:they knew that there was going to be an average of suicide
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:attempts in their medical school because it's such a high
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:pressure environment. And usually there were a lot of
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:minoritized college students or medical students in that
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:particular school. So they would in fact be very happy when the
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:number was less than the average percentage each year because it
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:was still happening, obviously, but was it was happening at a
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:lesser rate. I never want to normalize a "oh, we should
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:expect 20% 25%" I don't want to normalize one human being that
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:attempts or feels the the suicidal ideation that comes
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:along with that so huge hell nah, I don't like it. I don't
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:like it.
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:And we'll include a link to that article
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:in our show notes, folks, so you can read it if you would like
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:Yeah, not a happy way to end this podcast.
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:Not at all. Not at all. So, you know,
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:Lisa, let's call our podcast listeners too if there are other
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:things that we can do or even organizations that you're aware
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:of that work to support adolescent girls, especially
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:when it comes to suicide attempts or suicidal ideation,
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:mental health, let us know that as well. We would love to know
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:some of those resources for for girls when it comes to this
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:particular issue as well. So help us to be a better ally when
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:it comes to this particular area.
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:Yeah, great. All right, folks. That's
Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:it for this week, we will catch you next week.
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Dr. Lisa Ingarfield:Unphased, a podcast produced by loud feisty
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Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:edited and produced by the fabulous
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Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:I'm Shaunna thanks for listening.
Dr. Shaunna Payne Gold:Stay unfazed, folks. See you next time.